- of two minds -
by demonskie
Summary: It had been an accident, kissing the boy who was her boyfriend's best friend. It hadn't meant anything. They'd been caught up in the moment. Yet that moment tore a friendship apart and ripped apart the trust two lovers had built so endearingly. Guilt and pain thread their way into the heart of the village of Bluebell - and subsequently a girl must mend one heart, and crush another.
1. of two minds

**_of two minds:_**

_holding conflicting opinions about someone or something; being undecided about someone or something_

* * *

She could barely remember anything from last night.

That was, until she looked into the green eyes of the boy beside her.

Images flashed through Lillian's mind, piercing into the haze of sleep.

Oh, _God, _what had she done?

"Good morning," Cam murmured. His expression was emotionless, and he looked upon her with something like indifference, despite what had happened last night.

"What-," she began, before shaking her head and pressing her fingers to her temples. "Oh, my God."

Cam said nothing as she began to more vividly remember the previous night: _walking up the mountain. Seeing him. Talking. Laughing. Crying. Kissing._

Why had they done that?

Why had they kissed?

Why had they gone further?

_At least_, she thought with something like detached horror, _we didn't go the whole way._

_But we went far enough._

"I can see it, you know," Cam said, combing the messy strands of his hair. "The regret. The horror."

"I-," she started again. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.

But it was a bit too late for that.

"I understand," he cut in. "It's my fault. I shouldn't have-I shouldn't have overstepped my bounds." His cool mask slipped, and underneath Lillian caught a flash of twisted pain.

She scrambled to a sitting position on the forest floor. God, they were still in this damned clearing. They had fallen asleep here. "It's not your fault," she said. "I played my part too." Her eyes were drawn to his fingers pulling through his hair, and she was reminded of the way she'd tugged at those strands last night, her head thrown back, moaning-

_No._ She pushed the thoughts away. That was enough. She didn't need a reminder of her infidelity. She was dating Ash. She had been for over a year. They were in love.

Weren't they?

She remembered talking to him about their relationship when they were a month in. _"Are-Are we monogamous?"_ she'd asked, a flush on her face.

Ash's gaze had cut towards her suddenly as he was tending to the livestock, his eyebrows raised in surprise. _"What?__"_

_"Well, I mean, we never determined whether we were exclusive or not-"_

_"Of course we are." _He'd smiled at her. She remembered the way she'd felt under that smile. _"If that's okay with you."_

She'd smiled and said that she was. And she'd told herself right then that she would never betray that.

God, had she been wrong.

"I'm sorry," Cam said, now. "For my part."

But that was the thing; he wasn't. Lillian could tell by the way his green eyes were sharp and how his jaw was clenched. But she knew he meant what he said next: "I'm sorry that this will hurt Ash."

"I am, too." Lillian was certain that she meant this for the second part. But was she sorry for being with Cam? Even if it was wrong? Even if it was for a single night?

She swallowed, hard, and looked up at the boy before her. God, he was beautiful; she'd always thought he was. He didn't have Kana's rugged good-looks, nor Mikhail's fragile beauty, nor Dirk's charm and cheerfulness. He was just... Cam. He was him. The sharp panes of his collarbone, always visible due to his loose shirt and tie; the vivid bright jade colour of his eyes, like they saw through your very soul; the care and goodwill behind his closed-off, aloof shell.

"Will this change things, between us?" Lillian found herself asking. It was a stupid question. Of course it would.

"No," Cam said, but she knew he was only saying that to spare her feelings.

"I-," she almost choked on her own words. "I'm going to tell Ash. If-If you don't mind."

Cam's eyes had darkened, but he merely shook his head and offered her a tight smile. "It doesn't matter whether I do."

And Lillian fell silent. They looked anywhere but at each other.

The sunlight was bright in the clearing, but they were far enough into the mountain that no one passing by on the main road would be able to see them. Butterflies and other insects danced around, paying them no notice. Birds were singing. Lillian wasn't sure why.

Finally, she looked back towards her friend, and the sight of him sent a pang through her chest. Were they still friends? "Thank you," she said, and began to stand.

"Wait," he said, and rose with her. He took a hand in his, and then the other. Lillian inhaled sharply, gasping at the heat that his touch sent through her. "Can I... Can I kiss you? Just... one last time?"

_No_, her mind said. _Yes,_ her body snapped back. It wouldn't happen again, anyway. She smiled at him, raised a hand to his cheek, raised herself on her toes, and kissed his mouth softly.

She'd meant it to be chaste, but of course, it wasn't that easy. As she began to draw back (how very much she had wanted to stay), he slid a hand behind her head and waist and pulled her closer, his mouth opening, hers too.

They stood there, and then they stopped.

"I hope Ash doesn't get angry at you." Cam took a step away from her, placing his hat on his head carefully.

"Likewise," she said softly, her heart pounding from the kiss, her thoughts dizzy. And then her heart pounded for a different reason; anxiety and fear and the sense of resentment that she felt towards herself. She didn't want to tell Ash what had happened. She wanted to forget it.

No, that was a lie. She was stronger than that, anyway. Of course she would tell him. She knew what would happen if she didn't.

All lies come to light, eventually.

* * *

_[[I just had to write something for TToTT. I'm sorry. But it's one of my favourite games~!_

_It's not a very long chapter. It won't be a one-shot, but I don't know when I'll get another chapter in because I've got two other HM stories I'm working on and I have mock exams this week... I know, weird timing, but that's the way my school is._

_Hopefully you guys'll like this? o3o]]_


	2. a sinking feeling

_[[Thank you for reviewing, CrimsonCrush and guest! And thanks for following CrimsonCrush again and Ajayapplepie~ Much appreciated._

_ CrimsonCrush: Rooting for Cam? Bad? Not possible. xD_

_This chapter is pretty short, too. I get the feeling most of my chapters will be like this, ahah. Which is odd, because usually I write about 2,000 words per chapter._

_Hope you like this one :)]]_

* * *

**_a sinking feeling:_**

_the feeling that everything is going wrong; a bad feeling in the base of one's stomach_

* * *

Cam only smoked when the situation called for it.

This was most certainly a situation that called for it.

He scowled at the ground. Here he was, standing at the back of the cafe, feeling sorry for himself. but mostly he was angry at himself; furious at himself. He'd let his emotions get the better of him, and now...

Well, and now he was well and truly _screwed._

"Cam?" Laney's tentative voice reached him as he blew smoke into the air. He turned slightly to see his sister - they weren't related, but they were close friends - peering at him disapprovingly, her hands on her hips. "Unbelievable. You're gone for _one_ night, and you come back like this!"

"Like what?" he asked, tapping his cigarette.

"Smoking! Again! And you look like someone died." She glowered at him. "What happened, Cam?"

_I got my heart broken_, _but it was my own fault. _Bitterness coated his thoughts, but he smiled at Laney. "Oh, nothing in particular."

"Nothing?" Laney hissed. She took several steps towards him, before making a face at the smell of smoke. "Does it have something to do with either Ash or Lillian?" she whispered. "Before you returned, I saw Lillian coming from the mountain, crying, and going to find Ash. And that reminds me, Ash has been sitting out front all morning. Is he waiting for you?"

_Ah, fuck._ He really was screwed. "I guess he is." Cam tossed his cigarette onto the ground, digging his heel into it before turning back to Laney. She was watching him, narrow-eyed.

"You're being even more aloof than usual," she said. "What's wrong?"

Cam hated how she sounded so genuinely worried; it made it harder for him to ignore her. "Absolutely nothing," he said, as brightly as he could manage. She stared after him suspiciously as he made his way around the building. Thankfully, however, she respected his privacy, and did not question him further.

Upon coming around the front of Howard's Cafe, he found Ash, just as Laney had said. His friend was leaning on his flower stand, breaking the thorns off a rose that Cam hadn't gotten around to yet. He wasn't sure whether or not to be grateful or completely and utterly worried.

He stood behind Ash, but didn't need to announce himself; it was clear, by the increasingly agitated movements of Ash's fingers, that he knew. A few moments of snapping later, his friend finally said, "I wish you would've told me."

"Told you what?" Cam said, as Ash placed the blue rose down on the desk.

"That you had feelings for Lillian." He turned around, finally, and Cam looked at the foreign coldness in his eyes. "And I really wish that you hadn't gone and acted on them."

"I wish it too." Feeling hollow, Cam gently picked up the rose and added it to the prepared ones behind the stand. Ash watched him, his expression surprisingly impassive. He'd never been the best at hiding his emotions, unless Cam, who had done so his whole life.

"Which one do you wish, though?" Ash said harshly. "I get the feeling that you enjoyed your little _make-out _session."

"Ash-"

"Tell me the truth, Cam!" Ash ran a hand through his hair agitatedly, finally expressing his true feelings on his face: devastation, and betrayal. "I don't want to hear anymore lies!"

"I've never lied to you," Cam murmured. He'd known this was coming, but it didn't make it any easier.

Ash barked a bitter laugh, one that sounded strange coming from his friend's mouth; Ash had always been the kindest of them all. "No, you just avoided the truth." He took a step back, and then another. Each one left a hole in Cam's chest. Oh, how he regretted his actions of the last night. How he wished he could take it back. Every single word he and Lillian had exchanged, every single look, every single kiss.

But, did he really?

Cam had hid his feelings for Lillian from Ash. He had watched them, suppressing his feelings of jealousy, barely content as they fell further in love. But while he loved Lillian, he loved Ash, too; what kind of a man would he be to destroy his friend's relationship? Lillian probably didn't even think of him that way, anyway.

That was what he had thought, until yesterday. He hadn't meant to kiss her, but he'd been caught up in the moment; he'd said something funny, and when her lips had parted to let out a laugh, he'd felt the rush of desire flood up in him and suddenly his hand was on her cheek and he was kissing her. He'd tasted alcohol on her breath - he'd brought wine, and she had drunk it with him when she'd seen him - but mostly sweet mint, and that was enough to _destroy_ him.

That was right, he remembered with a start. She'd had wine. And though the thought made him feel sick, he thought, perhaps she hadn't meant to kiss him back. And if there was anything he could do to make this thing right, it was to save Lillian.

"It wasn't her fault." The words slipped from Cam's mouth as Ash began to walk away. His friend paused, turning slightly to face Cam. "Don't blame Lillian. She'd been drinking; I'm to blame. Ash, I'm sorry."

Something lifted in Ash's eyes as Cam said the words, and it was then Cam knew how much Ash had been hurting, believing that Lillian had reciprocated Cam's feelings. But then his expression darkened again, and he said in a low voice, "You took advantage of her?"

"I-"

"We'll talk later," Ash said, his expression like storm clouds, and he strode away.

"I don't think we will," Cam murmured, feeling weights settle in his gut. He headed into Howard's Cafe - God, if either Howard or Laney had heard their conversation, he would likely die - and stalked into his room, slamming the door shut. He closed his eyes, his head hurting, and tried to recall the events from the previous night.

They had been drinking. He could remember that. He could also remember being more sober than Lillian had been; he'd thought something like, _I'd like to remember this night._ And he could. He could remember the feeling of her lips on his, something that left him reeling, even now. He could remember how she felt under him, the softness of her skin and-

Oh,_ God. _He turned in his bed, burying his face in his arms. Thinking about that would only make him yearn even more. Something bothered him, however. What had happened to the wine bottle after they'd discarded it?

It had probably rolled away, or something. Cam opened his eyes and stared at his fingers, trying to force away the sinking feeling that he felt. He was an idiot. God, was he an idiot.

He didn't regret kissing Lillian. But sometimes he regretted that she kissed him back.


End file.
